What Is To Be Done?

I just wish he would have talked to some of us about this. He was open and honest with all of us, but he kept a dreadful secret. He was smart enough to know that we would do anything in our power to help him or stop him, and so he knew that he couldn't tell any of us the truth. I know it's boring to think we could have done something about it, but I just wish I could have done something about it.

I know that he's gone, and that I will never again have the pleasure of his physical company. Nothing we do or say will bring him back, or make any of us feel any better about accepting life without him. I just don't know how to be okay with that. I took him for granted while he was here, and now that he's gone there's nothing I can do to bring him back. How is this supposed to be okay?

I'm not upset with him, and I know by now that his wide circle of friends all contributed everything possible to make Ryan happy and make his life a better place. Fun was provided in droves, and I just wish I could have been there more ofen when it happened. But I can't do anything about that anymore, and I didn't do anything about that when he was around.

What is to be done? We will honor him and remember him tomorrow, but then the next day will come and he will still be gone. Could somebody tell me how to be accepting of that? Somebody please tell me how to feel okay about the opportunities lost, and the experiences missed. I wish I could have been a better friend. I wish I could have been with him in good times and in bad. I wish I could have been into his business, and truly connected to his imaginings about life and its updsides and downsides. I wish I could have done something.

Everyone is amazing in their own way, but I'm saddened that someone so uniquely irreplaceable is gone. The people on the street or in our offices are a very pale echo of Ryan Klesh. They can provide no replacement. And that is my lone inconsolable unhappiness about what has been done. There is no replacement for what we have lost.

I want him to be there when I call or send an email. I want to be able to call on him when I need someone to make something happen. I want him to be really there when I see someone on the street that looks like him. I want to be able to make some sense out of the oh-so-rightness of his presence and the gaping-hole-in-the-world of his absence.

But there is nothing to be done. I'm thrilled to have been his friend, but there is nothing good about him being gone.